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Showing posts from January, 2015

Basement Tunes and Cuddling

I had an...interesting weekend.

How I Survive an Apocalypse.

I have had a rough couple of days, and through no fault other than my own. You see, I have this horrible habit of playing therapist to literally everyone I know and often I end up bottling up my own feelings and issues until they sort of ....simmer over.

Thoughts on Being Desired....

*le sigh*

I just don't get it.

I'm not a particularly good person. I'm not terribly nice, either. I'm not outgoing, friendly, open, or approachable. That's just the way it is. I'm a private person, I don't often talk about my feelings, and I like my solitude. I'm a difficult person to get along with, I understand this.

What I don't why does this dude even like me?

When it gets bad...

The trouble with depression is that you can have some really amazing days. A whole stretch of them, even. And I'll admit it, I've been on a high for a while. Might attribute that to a couple of specific individuals and a forced cheery perspective on life.

The trouble is, those amazing days where you feel fine and like nothing can get you down, don't last forever. And they make the descent back into self-loathing and misery that much more jarring.

I can feel myself spiraling down, right now.

I guess, if I have to back-track, it started last night. Sometimes, loneliness just hits you really fucking hard and there's nothing you can do about it. It's 3 am and you hate everything and you want to cry...

And you wish you had the guts to call up or text that one person who makes you feel better, but at the same time it's 3 am and you don't want to bother them and they'd probably be so annoyed and disgusted with your pathetic-ness and then you'd feel even wo…

The Run Down

So I had a date,...thing today. I'm still not sure what to make of it. It was interesting. Scary word, right?

This is how it went down: I woke up at 9 am and immediately felt sick. I was nervous. But you know what? I got up, got dressed, and even put on fucking eyeliner. Yeah, I took the time to make it even too.

Planted my ass in Target around 2 pm and waited. I walked off some of my nerves first, and then ordered a coffee at Starbucks. After that, it was the waiting game. I pulled out my book and got halfway into the first actual chapter before he showed up.

Turns out he called a few times, but since I had literally no signal the entire time I was inside the store, I had no idea. So he slides up and takes a seat next to me. And I thought this guy was cute in photos. Dude, holy shit.

And this is where I fuck up. See, I'm weird to begin with and SUPER awkward the first time I meet someone. I clam up, freeze up, can't speak half of the shit running through my mind, and I KN…

Short Story Time: Plead

My demons want to play with yours.
They want to tear their way out of my pale flesh and fly into your eye sockets, poke around in your soul, and throw a bloody tea party.

She was curled up in a little ball on her bed, face buried in the cage of her arms. The bony points of her knees didn’t make for the most comfortable pillow, but she had neither the energy to move or care. It was quiet and cold in the room, her phone sat on the mattress next to her. She waited. And waited.
It was pathetic really, to sit around waiting for someone to care about her and find out if she still breathed. People had their own problems, they didn’t have time to worry about hers. And she didn’t blame them, either, she didn’t want to worry about her issues. It would be best if they just disappeared. If she disappeared.
It wasn’t like she couldn’t see the pattern - her thoughts were taking on a particularly dark twist and the spiral began to curve around her, pulling her down into it’s depths. She could see it h…

Help! What do I wear?!

So I've got an upcoming coffee meet/date thing (possibly!) this week and Eva had the good sense to grill me on my outfit planning. Seeing as I haven't been on an actual "date" in probably a decade (no, nothing with my ex-boyfriends ever counted as a friggin' date) I need some input from you guys.

I put together two outfits that I actually really like and feel super comfortable in. Give me your votes - which one is best! I'll put the poll up on my blog and I want you to vote there. The winning outfit will be worn on said coffee date. :)

Hair and makeup are something I haven't bothered thinking about yet, so please just judge the outfits themselves. Any other concrit or advice can be left in the comment section. ^_^

Short Story Time: Shameless

Disclaimer: I am a horrible person and my mind goes to some weird places when I'm bored. And lonely. And pathetic.

The first kiss probably looked pretty innocent to anyone who might have been watching. It was the tail end of their first meeting, a short stint in a coffee shop, and as they prepared to part ways he impulsively tugged her into a tight embrace and pressed his lips to her cheek. Perfectly innocent.
Except that it wasn’t, and the chemistry that she was experiencing amped up its game - lighting up every nerve ending in her body. It was all she could do not to pull his mouth to hers. They disentangled with shaking hands and reddened faces.
And she replayed the scenario in her mind for days afterwards, wondering what it would feel like to really kiss him. Her heart beat wildly in the darkness and she yearned, not knowing that so did he.
The second kiss was a beautiful accident. They were chilling out at her place, watching a film, when in the middle of an “aha!” moment they t…

Ring out the false, ring in the true.

- Tennyson, In Memoriam.

I am spending the first day of the new year in a small mobile home in one of the Twin Cities' many suburbs. It is cold and gloomy outside these wood paneled walls. I sip a cup of French Vanilla coffee brewed in my uncle's Keurig machine. I am without my beloved Chromebook (opting for a rather outdated PC as it's all that's available) and I'm not certain if I'm content with the situation at hand or horrified.

So, what HAS 2015 brought me in just a few scant hours?

A lot of uncertainty. About a lot of things - mostly where I stand with other people and where they stand with me. I have a clear view of my future - the path I want to take, but when you add in the human/social element, things get kind of muddy.

You see, I have what seems like a vested interest in another human being, and I want to help him battle his demons (because I've known for decades what they can do to a person's mind) and yet, I feel so inferior to him. I feel…