Depression is Like the Tide - It Comes in Waves
To preface, I've been struggling with depression, anxiety, and PTSD for a long time now. I've written about it on this blog too; here, here, and here.
I always feel the urge to start off a post like this with "Have you ever woken up one morning and just felt..." but then I stop. I am stopped by the internal fear that I am the only one who feels like this and no one could possibly understand. Rationally, I know that's not true and millions of people around the world wake up feeling like I do on my really bad days.
Spankie Valentine from SWOOP recently posted this moving video to her Youtube channel and I wanted to share it with all of you. Because I am not okay either. And it's okay to not be okay right now.
I woke up Sunday just feeling really...off. And it's true that we all have those days sometimes, but usually we're able to crawl up out of our funk, shake it off, and live our best lives. Usually. But this Sunday was not that kind of day for me. It just got progressively worse and I couldn't pinpoint why I felt so... Tired. Cranky. Listless. Bored. Did I Mention Tired? Everything around me felt grey and I tried to have a good weekend - I really did. But the more I forced it the worse I felt.
The thing about depression is that it never really goes away. Sometimes it's out with the tide and you can forget about it for a while. But it always comes back in, threatening to drag you back out with it if you're not careful. I've got sea water swirling around my ankles right now.
Mental illness is a lonely thing. Even if I had the initiative to reach out for support, the few friends I have are probably sick to death of me yammering on about how much I want to die. I've lost friends over this and trying to gain more when you're in a slump is kind of impossible. You're written off as "toxic" - negative, flaky, boring, etc.
The #positivevibes crowd snub their collective noses - have you tried yoga?
Bitch, I live on Pilates and sugar-free smoothies. Get out of here with that nonsense. I need therapy and medication and a good support system. I have none of those things, so I'm soldiering on the best I can. Like many of us do.
Right now I'm not okay. I'm just going through the motions of getting up, going to work, making asinine small talk with my coworkers that makes me want to shrivel up and die, then going home and making dinner, telling myself my workout can wait until I feel better, and then going to sleep.
My days aren't productive. I feel useless and like I'm worth nothing. All my attempts at creativity fall flat of what I know I'm capable of. (This post was rewritten about four times and I'm still not happy with everything I've said here.)
I try to do self-care: hot baths, fancy tea, a face mask, three hours of watching Markiplier play a creepy Japanese horror game called Doki Doki Literature Club... and I'm just so tired. I can't bring myself to care about any of it.
I need to shower tonight. I'm pondering the point of it all. If I go in to work with greasy hair tomorrow will anyone even notice or care? Will I? But I'm going to do it anyways. It's all I can do, until the water recedes again and I'm not at risk of drowning.
Right now, I'm not okay. And I'm trying to be at peace with that and let it be what it is. Because it won't last forever.
Need some self-care options for when you're in a low place? Check out the links below:
Self Care for Depression
10 Strategies That Help Manage Depression
9 Ways To Take Care of Yourself
I always feel the urge to start off a post like this with "Have you ever woken up one morning and just felt..." but then I stop. I am stopped by the internal fear that I am the only one who feels like this and no one could possibly understand. Rationally, I know that's not true and millions of people around the world wake up feeling like I do on my really bad days.
Spankie Valentine from SWOOP recently posted this moving video to her Youtube channel and I wanted to share it with all of you. Because I am not okay either. And it's okay to not be okay right now.
I woke up Sunday just feeling really...off. And it's true that we all have those days sometimes, but usually we're able to crawl up out of our funk, shake it off, and live our best lives. Usually. But this Sunday was not that kind of day for me. It just got progressively worse and I couldn't pinpoint why I felt so... Tired. Cranky. Listless. Bored. Did I Mention Tired? Everything around me felt grey and I tried to have a good weekend - I really did. But the more I forced it the worse I felt.
The thing about depression is that it never really goes away. Sometimes it's out with the tide and you can forget about it for a while. But it always comes back in, threatening to drag you back out with it if you're not careful. I've got sea water swirling around my ankles right now.
Mental illness is a lonely thing. Even if I had the initiative to reach out for support, the few friends I have are probably sick to death of me yammering on about how much I want to die. I've lost friends over this and trying to gain more when you're in a slump is kind of impossible. You're written off as "toxic" - negative, flaky, boring, etc.
The #positivevibes crowd snub their collective noses - have you tried yoga?
Bitch, I live on Pilates and sugar-free smoothies. Get out of here with that nonsense. I need therapy and medication and a good support system. I have none of those things, so I'm soldiering on the best I can. Like many of us do.
Right now I'm not okay. I'm just going through the motions of getting up, going to work, making asinine small talk with my coworkers that makes me want to shrivel up and die, then going home and making dinner, telling myself my workout can wait until I feel better, and then going to sleep.
My days aren't productive. I feel useless and like I'm worth nothing. All my attempts at creativity fall flat of what I know I'm capable of. (This post was rewritten about four times and I'm still not happy with everything I've said here.)
I try to do self-care: hot baths, fancy tea, a face mask, three hours of watching Markiplier play a creepy Japanese horror game called Doki Doki Literature Club... and I'm just so tired. I can't bring myself to care about any of it.
I need to shower tonight. I'm pondering the point of it all. If I go in to work with greasy hair tomorrow will anyone even notice or care? Will I? But I'm going to do it anyways. It's all I can do, until the water recedes again and I'm not at risk of drowning.
Right now, I'm not okay. And I'm trying to be at peace with that and let it be what it is. Because it won't last forever.
Need some self-care options for when you're in a low place? Check out the links below:
Self Care for Depression
10 Strategies That Help Manage Depression
9 Ways To Take Care of Yourself
Another great post. I've tried writing about my struggles with this, but somehow, when everything is written down and I've reread it dozens of times, I still can't make myself post it. The fact that you do is very brave.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about it being like the tide: receding and then coming in until all you can do is try to keep from drowning. I know that the hardest part for me is always remembering that it's a temporary state so I hope you remember that it will get better again.
Kathrin | Polar Bear Style
Yes thank you, that's always the hardest part for me too. And it's frustrating to feel like you were doing so well and then all of a sudden it's pulled out from under you...so I try to take care of myself the best I can so when I'm able to #adult again, I can do it at 100%. :)
DeleteYes girl, it's true, people sometimes (or most of the time) do not understand that depression is a real thing. And them saying "Have you tried this and this..?" maybe they are trying to help or say something nice but it just does the opposite. I feel like people need to listen more and talk less and understand where the other person is coming from to hear them out. We need to recognize depression as part of reality and not just for people who are living in the dark.
ReplyDeleteCarina
https://theagelessmillennial.com/
Absolutely! People are often coming from a good place when they make suggestions and they don't realize how much harm that can do because so few people talk about that side of things. That's why I try to share my experiences and what works versus what doesn't help so that we can all have a better understanding of this illness.
DeleteThank you for your comment!