When Shameful Memories Ruin Your Day

When I was about 19 and Livejournal was still a thing, I was part of a community on there called "Bad Makeup" - yeah, it's pretty much what it sounds like. A group of self-proclaimed makeup gurus and enthusiasts that got their jollies posting photos of people with either poorly applied makeup or whatever they considered "bad" and then mocking them mercilessly for it. And we're not just talking about celebrities or public figures with makeup mishaps - these were their friends, family members, random strangers on the internet and even each other that they were cruelly targeting.

Why I was a member in such a group, I don't know. I think it was fear of becoming one of their targets while I was young and experimenting with makeup. I think perhaps I always wanted to feel a sense of superiority over other people in some way...

Anywho, I had finally gotten up the nerve to make a post of my own. I thought I would share a few photos of a previous friend group that was kind of alternative - so there were plenty of examples of unblended black eye shadow and ICP-style corpse paint to go around. Didn't provide any names, just mentioned these were people I used to know...

And I'm not sure what specifically prompted this particular group to dig into MY personal Livejournal or go scouring the internet for any photos or videos of me, but they did. And my post exploded with comments of them mocking the neon dreadlocks I wore for a party once, of them cruelly laughing at some photos where I was experimenting with purple eye shadow (and I had even acknowledged that it wasn't a good look) and finally, picking at my hair, my clothes, and then a post I had written years prior about depression.

It felt awful, to have a community I wanted to be a part of turn on me so viciously and without warning. It felt so shameful to have entire posts about my personal struggle with mental illness put on display in "quotes" in the comments section - and then have comments like "You look suicidal, why else would someone wear that if they didn't want to die? Just do it already."

This was back in 2007. It took me half a decade to finally feel safe enough to put on makeup and wear it in public. No joke. And I still, to this day, feel absolutely hideous with winged eyeliner or a visible lip color. I'm just so....certain....that people are mocking me behind my back for daring to even try.

I'm trying not to care. I'm trying not to let that bother me.

But I was considering wearing lipstick this morning. And those memories, however unbidden, came flooding back and I left the house with only SPF. Better to be my brand of ugly than someone else's.