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Showing posts from June, 2017

Settling into Change - 6/23/17

I'm experiencing kind of a surreal moment right now. This is the last Friday I will ever sit in this office. This is the last Friday I will ever sit at my desk in my nice little corner, in my frigid little basement office, in this old-as-balls building on University Ave. Next Friday, I will be reporting to our new offices several miles north of here, up in Little Canada. Don't panic - I still have access to transit, it's just gonna be a nerve-wracking adjustment. I don't handle change well. As evidenced by how weird I feel right now. Yesterday, we started pulling everything off the walls and suddenly the space in here felt like it was looming in on us. A bunch of stuff (decor, excess furniture, etc) was piled into the conference room and we had a "silent auction" for some of it. Either we claimed it or it went to a good home in the dumpster. So I have, next to my desk, a scuffed up file cabinet that will be re-purposed into a cute little nightstand in my

After the storm blows over....

...there is only the quiet stillness and the aftermath. There's a full moon tomorrow - the Strawberry Moon or the Strong Moon - it's supposed to herald in a period of vim and vigor, of strong sunshine and reckless abandon. Which is funny, because I feel anything BUT that, and it seems I'm not the only one. A couple of my fellow tumblr witches have been blogging about how purposeless and useless they feel, too, leading up to this full moon. I wonder why that is. In my case it's because I'm coming out of a really nasty sort of manic thing - a short period where I was getting really drunk, self-harming, and generally lashing out at people. But now that it's passed I simply feel - nothing. Numb. Kind of fuzzy. Directionless. Motionless. Suspended in the void, with no end in sight. It's not a pretty mental place to be. With any luck though, once this full moon passes I'll be able to latch onto the coattails of that vim and vigor it promises and r

The bottom drops out

So it's almost 1 pm. It's a hot, hazy, and humid Saturday - the first time it's reacher 90 degree F here this season and we're lethargically lying about, trying to summon the will to venture outside or even eat.... Yesterday was bad. I'm coming out of a relapse and I'm not fully in my right or rational mind - so I posted photos of my self-harm wounds on social media. The backlash was swift. And intense. I guess I kind of expected that. I didn't expect to lose friends over it though - instead of offering support or even wishes that I get help for what's eating me, I got "You'll regret that." "You should stop." "Please don't hurt yourself." And while that's all very well and good, does absolutely nothing to address the fact that I'm hurting and THAT'S what should have been the focus of any comments. People will tell you to stop self-harming because it's a piece of knowledge that makes them uncomfort