Mixed Emotions: Taking Charge of my Life
There comes a time (or two or three) for every girl worth her salt to stop and take stock of her life situation. This is a time when she has to really look hard at the things surrounding her and decide what changes need to be made.
The few of you who follow me on FB know that I finally got a job recently. I just finished my second week of work and got my first paycheck. It was an empowering feeling - my feet still ache and I'm still exhausted, but I'm being paid for it!
It feels like a weight has been lifted. Now I can start making payments on the things I owe - school, the state, etc. I can start clearing away my debts, both physical and mental. I feel like I can start taking care of myself again, that I don't have to always rely on someone else to keep me alive. And with that comes a heady sense of freedom.
I feel like, in a few months to a year, I could just pick up and take off. Save up some money, pay off a few debts, and then just go. I want to leave behind all the bad stuff, the people who are toxic to my well-being, the dead-end I'm facing in this small town - in this miserable state. And suddenly....I can do it.
But that also involves making some really hard choices - especially about letting certain people go and their expected reactions to THAT. I've gotten comfortable in my misery, I've gotten used to my depression and hiding how badly I want to never wake up again. I've come to accept that stress is part of my world view. But it doesn't have to be that way - I can be happy again. I can feel whole and worthy of goodness again. And if that means moving on and away from certain things, then so be it. I am the most important thing in my life and I need to take care of it.
So I'm at that point of consideration where I know things are going to get worse before they get better. It's a volatile combination of emotions.
The few of you who follow me on FB know that I finally got a job recently. I just finished my second week of work and got my first paycheck. It was an empowering feeling - my feet still ache and I'm still exhausted, but I'm being paid for it!
It feels like a weight has been lifted. Now I can start making payments on the things I owe - school, the state, etc. I can start clearing away my debts, both physical and mental. I feel like I can start taking care of myself again, that I don't have to always rely on someone else to keep me alive. And with that comes a heady sense of freedom.
I feel like, in a few months to a year, I could just pick up and take off. Save up some money, pay off a few debts, and then just go. I want to leave behind all the bad stuff, the people who are toxic to my well-being, the dead-end I'm facing in this small town - in this miserable state. And suddenly....I can do it.
But that also involves making some really hard choices - especially about letting certain people go and their expected reactions to THAT. I've gotten comfortable in my misery, I've gotten used to my depression and hiding how badly I want to never wake up again. I've come to accept that stress is part of my world view. But it doesn't have to be that way - I can be happy again. I can feel whole and worthy of goodness again. And if that means moving on and away from certain things, then so be it. I am the most important thing in my life and I need to take care of it.
So I'm at that point of consideration where I know things are going to get worse before they get better. It's a volatile combination of emotions.
The hardest thing I did was cut out the toxic people but once I did and they were out of my life for good, things got much better and quickly too. You can do it, have courage. You deserve to be happy
ReplyDeleteIt can be hard when others think they know what is best for you. You need to work out where you want to go and how to get there your own way and in your own timeframe. Listen to advice but don't let others boss you around, as only you can know what makes you happy! sounds like you are doing good! Congratulations and keep on fighting through! Look for small moments of joy!~ Hugs!
ReplyDeleteDo it!! Oh please do it! I would love nothing more than to get out the hellhole town I'm in but I'm legally trapped here until the kids get older. You know what will happen every time you wake up every morning. Every day is the same as the last. Get out and go somewhere else. Let the fear fuel you.
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