How to Keep a Tidy Home with a Messy Partner

Nine times out of ten, when two people live together, it will become clear that one of them is a "clean" person and the other one is a "messy" person. One of the biggest relationship conflicts that arise when two people live together is household chores and who should be responsible for what.

In fact, according to a 2007 Pew Research Study - household chores was ranked 3rd in issues that determined a successful marriage - with faithfulness and good sex just ahead of it.

I'm the Clean One in my relationship. My partner is the Messy One.

This has been an area of contention for us since we moved in together. From my perspective, it's not that difficult to toss out food wrappers and packages after using up its contents. From my partner's perspective, it's just not a big deal and can be tossed out later - when we need space on the counter or coffee table.

From my perspective, finding crumbs in the couch (or the bed sheets, gods forbid!) is worthy of a white hot meltdown. My partner just shrugs and sits atop (or lays in!) them. It's not a big deal, they say.

They leave clothes and dirty socks strewn across the bedroom. The coffee table is always cluttered up with empty beer cans, cracker packages, various pieces of electronic equipment, cigarette boxes, etc. None of the dishes they use ever get rinsed out and it's a miracle if they even make it to the kitchen sink.

Let's not even talk about what the bathroom looks like, more often than not.

This stuff drives me nuts. Granted, my partner does contend with some other issues that affect their ability to be on top of this all the time. But still....it seems like every attempt to make a chore-list or divvy up responsibilities is met with "But I'm just too tired." "I don't have time." "You're better at it than me."

Rather typical excuses, amirite?

So, what do?

1. Have a Conversation - and please don't yell at them about how messy they are and how frustrated you are about it. Rather, lay it out very clearly what your "dirt threshold" is and then decide together what should be considered messy, cluttered, clean for your household. This might be different for each room of the house, so be sure to move from room to room as you have this conversation.

Explain why it is important for you to have a clean home - example. "I feel more relaxed and can sleep better in a bedroom that isn't cluttered." or "Having a clean kitchen makes me feel more inclined to cook after work and reduces my anxiety."

2. Get Organized - make a list of chores based on priority - ones that need to be completed every day, ones that can stand to get done once a week, and others that can maybe wait a bit longer. Allocate those responsibilities accordingly. Maybe both of you will agree to clean up your own dishes after cooking and someone will take the garbage out at the end of the week while the other person handles the recycling. Write it all out and assign yourselves to tasks as you see fit.

There are some great apps out there for these purposes, but I'm old-fashioned and I like printables!

3. Create Incentives - this is a great way to hold yourselves accountable. If there are small rewards to completing chores, you will BOTH be more likely to stick to them. Express your gratitude for each task completed.

For example, when I complete all the laundry (and it's folded and put away) I let myself chill out in front of my computer with some silly Youtube videos. Reward yourself with something small after each chore is complete and then move onto the next one.

4.) Invest in Better Storage - sometimes there isn't much else to be done with clutter. Would I love to toss out half of my partner's junk to clear up space? Heck yes. But those are not my things to throw away and if I can't convince them to give up all those little trinkets, the next best option is to find functional and appealing looking storage options for them. Even better if you can incorporate that storage into your furniture! Ottomans with storage, coffee tables with shelves, etc.

5.)  Learn to Compromise - you can't change your partner and they can't change you. Try to meet each other in the middle as to what's considered acceptable clutter/mess and where it's acceptable.

For example, I may never get my partner to always remember to pick up their clothes from the floor, but maybe having a laundry basket next to the bed for just that purpose can make it easier for me to stomach. They're still on the floor, but at least they're contained and they can find them all the next morning.

Likewise, he can opt to ignore all my beauty supplies on the desk until I get around to putting them all back where they belong before I go to bed.

Compromise my friends. I have to acknowledge and deal with the fact that I cannot have an Instagram worthy apartment and they have to deal with the fact that I will probably always be a nag about finding crumbs in the bed. C'est la vie.