So, October wasn't a good month for me...

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I was born in October - the 1st, actually - so it seems I was predestined to love all things autumn and spooky and Halloween. And I do, truly I do - but the last few autumns have not been good to me. And this October in particular wasn't a good month.

Complaining isn't something I like to do, even to vent - because it often feels like I'm being annoying. And I hate to annoy other people. I annoy myself too much as it is.

But I would ask that you bare with me.

I really need to get some of this off my chest.

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Much like the last few years, I was completely broke on my birthday. It's not even remotely helpful that rent is on the first of the month, never mind the fact that I had to drop $900 on it, which is all of my paycheck usually. It wouldn't be so bad if my ex-boyfriend-roommate-parasite had been working and was able to pull his own weight in that department. But he wasn't and so I was left to pick up the slack. Again.

I'm bitter about it and no amount of whining or explaining on his end is going to make me feel better.

We'd also had a huge fight the weekend prior - resplendent in its drunken near-violence - and I spent all of October 1st with a debilitating migraine. What joys. So even if I had a few spare dollars to grab dinner somewhere I wouldn't have wanted to. I felt awful.

I still feel awful.

The next paycheck went to food, gas money (for him, I don't drive), utilities, cell service, internet, more food, the acquisition of vices that are not mine, and somehow - it managed to go up in flames without a single glance at a late birthday celebration. I mean, would a grocery store cake have been too much to ask for?

On the 13th, I had to play nice while the ex-boyfriend's mom came to visit - dastardly deeds were gotten to, as they spent the afternoon brewing alcoholic cider. Then I got the email from my mom that our family cat of 16.5 years had suddenly passed...what a blow.

The next morning, I forked out gas money (I have no idea where I pulled it from) in order to convince the boy to drive me the hour out to my mom's place so that I could spend that afternoon digging a 3' x 3' x 2' hole in the garden to bury the poor Sassy cat. It snowed that day.

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The next week should have been reserved for mourning. He should have respected my wishes to be left alone. He didn't. More fighting ensued. It never really stops I suppose - I request a bit of private time to maintain my sanity and he punches straight through it with quips about my lack of empathy or that I'm such an awful person, because I don't put all his feelings and issues first.

Hello,

I am the:
feminist bitch
frigid "ace"-wannabe
robot lady
she who will not put out and must be insulted

Reminder: he's my ex. Seriously.

The weather had gotten chilly, the leaves had all but dropped already and the grass was frosted and crunchy in the morning when I walked to work. Where did autumn go? How did I miss it? There was no chance to visit an apple orchard, pick pumpkins, bake anything delicious, or go for long walks under the cascading shades of yellows, oranges, and reds.

And even if there were - there's no money. It sucks having less than $10 in your bank account until the next paycheck and the next round of gouging. I'm bitter about it. I want my financial freedom back. I'm sick of paying all the bills for someone who just. won't. leave.

I think it's honestly making me crazy.

I just wanted to have a decent October - if nothing else. A little calm before the storm that is NaNoWriMo. A little bit of quiet reflecting on the changing of the seasons. Some time to meditate. A chance to play with my tarot cards and not have an inquisitor over my shoulder, never silent and never at peace.

I just wanted to sleep.

I just wanted to binge Penny Dreadful alone and uninterrupted.

I just wanted to go for long meandering walks around town.

I just wanted to call my mom and not get read the riot act as soon as I hang up the phone.

My life isn't about him anymore. Nothing is about him anymore. No matter how he claws at me or berates me, he will never been the center of my universe. I'm fighting for my own fucking stars now.

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I'm considering my options. Most of them make me sick to my stomach to think about. My mom is my lifeline. My work colleagues are sympathetic. My leasing agency will probably have my back in some manner if I take drastic steps to move on.

But I'm just so tired. I'm exhausted. I want it to be over.

It's Halloween and I honestly can't think of a more opportune time to just end everything. Death seems so much more appealing than carrying on as I am now. Sometimes it feels like the only way out of this mess, the only way to be free.

Halloween - and I haven't watched a single scary film this month.
Halloween - and I gave up on any kind of costume on account of no fucking money.
Halloween - and I don't have a single scented candle, carved pumpkin, or party to attend.

Halloween - and I can't even spend the day alone because the parasite in my home also got the day off and likely expects me to entertain his need for free therapy.

Fuck that.

I'm just so over it. And I'm glad October is done.

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